Comedian Sam Weiner is tired of waiting for the Federal Reserve to finally raise interest rates. So he’s turned to the Banker’s Almanac.

Will the Fed raise interest rates? For the answer, we can turn to our old friend, the Banker’s Almanac.

Like the Farmer’s Almanac, the Banker’s version provides valuable predictions based on top-secret meteorological data and homespun claptrap.

Here’s what the Banker’s Almanac advises:

• If cumulus clouds are spotted moving southeast above Washington, D.C.’s, Capitol dome, look for interest rates to rise.

• If those same clouds are spotted, but they appear to be in the shape of a giant dollar sign, expect the fed to send a check for $10 to every American.

• If hail falls in St. Petersburg on the same day an albino heifer is birthed on the plains, the Fed will lower interest rates but may require the heads of the nation’s six largest banks to slaughter the unholy cow themselves.

• If the entire sky turns black, all crops nationwide wither and our rivers turn to blood, that means war with the hated Assyrian Empire and lower borrowing rates.

• If all non-pregnant women in the intermountain climatic zone spontaneously give birth to black-eyed storks, expect Janet Yellen to hold the interest rate steady.

• Finally, if economic fundamentals continue to improve, there is a chance the Fed will raise interest rates.

• But there’s an equally strong chance that the Fed will dissolve itself in recognition that an economy created by men is nothing but a shared delusion.

And while the Bankers’ Almanac may not be reliable in any way, remember that it’s just as accurate as every economist ever.