Sam Weiner and Daniel Kibblesmith are the creators of the new book, “How to Win At Everything” and they have some tips for playing (and winning at) the stock market.

The keen investor analyzes the activities of companies big and small to decide whether to buy, sell, or hold onto those companies’ stocks. Here are some common stock-affecting scenarios and how you should react to maximize your money.

* Little-known tech start-up invents an algorithm that lets users smell new babies over the Internet: BUY

* Auto manufacturer forced to recall car that blows up when the driver is sad: SELL

* Struggling financial firm introduces new Chief Financial Officer that’s just a big bag of money wearing expensive-looking glasses: HOLD

* Soft-drink company releases groundbreaking advertisement featuring hip, diverse twentysomethings enjoying themselves: BUY

* Oil company executives circulate desperate, hand-drawn map revealing “hidden cache of oil . . . in the moon?”: SELL

Following our advice, you’ll be an oligarch in no time. Now it’s time to rake it in, literally, by raking your money into large piles and hiring a team of plucky orphans to weep as you burn it in front of them.